Welcome to my world...

Peace Out!

I think this will be my final post on here. I doubt there's anyone paying it much mind so...thanks simple site for letting me vent.

After a lifetime of Tourette Syndrome and everything that went with that, I'm exhausted. I no longer have the energy or desire to play games with people. I've spent my life being dismissed and ignored and talked over and around as though I weren't in the room. I have finally given up the fight. I don't care anymore whether people like me or even care about me. I don't seem to be worth the time or the effort. I sit here alone day after day. No place to go...no one to talk to. Nothing to do really except the normal drivel of housework. No one wants me. No one understands me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really truly loves me at all let alone give a shit.

I make daily contact with my parents so they know I'm not dead. That's pretty much the extent of it. You try living like this and not being a little screwed up by it. The fact that I'm not in a mental hospital somewhere hugging myself in a straight jacket is a big deal to me. Having the inner strength to deal with this crap 365 days a year 24/7 is a lot. And yes sometimes I'm a little crazy. I find myself wondering if there's gonna be a day when I drop off the deep end somewhere & end up in an institution. I wonder how long I can sustain this and survive. Fifty four years is a long time. I don't even know myself anymore.

I used to be this vibrant life loving girl. Now I basically hate everyone and I'm not that fond of this life. It has become heavy. I write, I read, I play video games and watch programs on the computer. I love music. I love art. And I love to love. But I have no one to share these things with. Because nobody gives a damn. I wonder if anyone ever really did.

I wanted friends. I wanted a happy marriage. I wanted a reasonably happy life. Don't get me wrong...I'm thankful for the car in the driveway, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food in my belly. But there is more to life. But it's not something I'm going to get to partake in apparently. I don't know why. God has obviously called me to walk a different path. Sometimes that makes me glad and other times it makes me angry. But right now, I'm just sad.

I want to live a happy and fulfilling life but I've never had the money to do anything with it. I just feel lost. And alone. The only thing I see is the light of the Lord in the distance. All I can do is keep walking toward it. Forget about everything and everyone and just focus on God's love for me. It's all I have left. It will have to be enough.

I can not begin to tell you how heartbreaking it is to find out just how little people care about you. Knowing that the words I love you that they uttered from their lips meant nothing. Nothing at all. It has brought me many tears. A lot of pain. And now I know that I don't matter. I'm worthless and my life doesn't mean anything to anyone except God. Sometimes I wish I could end it. So I could go be with him. 

I keep hoping that someone will come along who will understand me. Who will be able to love the me that lies inside. The me that has tucked myself so far away from outsiders that I no longer trust anyone after nothing but disappointment my whole life.

All people ever do is hurt me. It started way back in the beginning. I never did anything to deserve the lifetime of emotional pain that I've been dealing with other than being born. And I didn't ask for that. If God would've shown me what to expect and given me a choice I'd have said no to being born. I would not have chosen to suffer all this pain on purpose.

No one knows how deep this agony goes. How awful it is to feel this way 24/7. All I am left with is complete lonliness. I've turned my back on almost everyone because of the way they've made me feel. They've all contributed to the damage that's been done. I have been injured beyond repair. There isn't anything anyone can do or say to make this go away or stop hurting. It will be with me until I die.

It's hard to carry all this pain around all the time and not let any spill out for the world to see and mock. Everything is a joke to people. They don't understand the harm they do. They don't seem to understand the pain they inflict. I am steadily going downhill. Oozing into a dark abyss of emotional hell. Where are all these people who claimed to love me? All these people who said they were my friends? Where is my help when I am now at my worst. Nowhere. That's where. Nowhere to be seen. God forbid I should trouble anyone with my pain. As long as they're ok. Right?

You monsters are the reason I'm in this mess. It started when I was 9. It has been ever present my whole entire life. There's been no getting away from the damage that's been done. It goes with me everywhere like a frickin disease. I can not climb out of this one. I will likely die here. But don't you give me another thought. I wouldn't want to interrupt the lovely lives you have. It's just me. And I don't matter.



Couldn't have said it better myself.

Premier of this video today. Love this group!

When It Hurts


The bitterness I can taste as you've laid my heart to waste.

With minds full of deceit and mouths full of hate, your task is now complete as you accuse me of being a reprobate.

I am now blinded by pain so severe that your friendship, I no longer revere. As far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell as nothing will ever again be well.



There are times in life when we must go our own way. Even if it means letting go of people in our lives that we love. There comes a time when we must protect ourselves from the pain. A time when we must love ourselves enough to do what is best for us. A time in life when we must be our own warriors and rescue ourselves from the pain caused by others carelessness. Their thoughtlessness has no right to bleed our spirits dry of every loving emotion. It is a lonely road but it is one I would rather walk alone than with someone who does not love me in return. 

I don't NEED anyone. I chose to have you in my life & you disappointed me. Now that I'm gone...do you even care?

I've had Tourette Syndrome since I was 9 yrs old. My whole life I've spent having to tolerate people not understanding me. People getting impatient with me. People making fun of me. People verbally abusing me. And people just plain being mean for no damn good reason. I've finally after 54 yrs reached the breaking point where I'm not willing to put up with anymore shit. I've had to spend my life crying behind closed doors & never being allowed to fight back. And now...I'm just pissed off.

I'm not taking anymore shit off anyone. If I can't fight back then I'm damn sure gonna let it go in one ear & right back out the other. As for people online...that's what the ignore/block features are for. As for the people in my life...screw them. I don't have to give them the time of day if I don't want to. If they can't be nice then the hell with it. I'm walking away and ignoring their stupid asses. I'm no longer gonna be tolerant. They can either be nice or get the hell outta my face.

I get thrown away from peoples lives like I'm garbage. I get forgotten like I never existed. I never get included let alone invited anywhere. Half the time they talk to everyone else in the room but me. I can go through an entire day without saying anything beyond hi. Nobody notices. If I talk they act like their just annoyed with having to take the time to listen. If they wanna make me feel like shit then I'm done with them. Done.

You wanna treat me like dirt & make me feel like I'm a piece of shit on your shoe & act like I'm nothing then you can go to hell. You wanna treat me like I'm crazy & talk around me like I'm some ridiculous child then screw you ahole! I'm not here to please you or beg for you affections or attentions. I can & will entertain myself MF! I'm sick of the BS in this world & the people who are full of hate & are a PITA.

I wanna know where all the REAL people are. Where all the NICE ones are. I'm tired of getting sent all these hateful rejects who think of no one but themselves. I'm a person too. I have feelings, brains, ideas and opinions just like everyone else. I'm just as valuable as anyone else. I don't need some mean POS telling me that I'm worthless. FU!

If this sounds childish I really don't give a damn. You live my life & then come tell me I'm being childish. Nobody should have to ever be treated like this. By anyone. 

I tell you what...I'm about sick of everyone anymore. I'm tired of the constant criticism of others. The constant bickering & crappy behavior in general. I'm sick of certain people thinking they know everything & lording it over everyone else all the time. You are not the only one in the room. You are not the only one that matters. It's not all about you all the time. There are other people here with thoughts...opinions & feelings. We've all had life experiences & dealt with them in different ways. Sometimes seeing something from more than one point of view can be of more help & perhaps healthier than just looking at something from one train of thought. Sometimes we have to face the hard things in life & learn to heal from them. Babying ourselves won't fix anything.

If I hadn't faced my own issues & dealt with them I'd be a frickin mess right now. I don't wanna spend my life being depressed & lonely because I choose to baby myself instead of finding ways to keep myself entertained. Yes being depressed & lonely is sad but if you linger there too long you may never get out of it. I used to be softer & sweeter. But people have done so much damage to me that I no longer concern myself with their feelings toward me. I'm the only one whose taking care of me & I will do what I gotta to get the job done. If it seems heartless...oh well.

You want to criticise & judge me then you know where the virtual door is. Don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

“Betrayed and wronged in everything, I’ll flee this bitter world where vice is king, And seek some spot unpeopled and apart Where I’ll be free to have an honest heart.”

-Molière, The Misanthrope

As of today...I've taken all I'm gonna take. I'm done having people push me around...mow me down & verbally abuse me. You wanna play games with me? You're gonna see just how harsh that choice is. I'm not gonna do this anymore with anyone. You wanna be nice & polite? We'll get along fine. But as of today I'm done tolerating people's BS. From now on if you got an issue you can go stuff a sock in it. I've spent a lifetime getting my heart shattered by verbal slayings & daily torments. I'm not f****** around anymore. You can hop on your high horse & go ride off back to whatever hell hole you slunk out of. I've had enough. This is my life. This is who I am. If you don't like it...too damn bad. I've done all I can do to get along with people. I'm over it. I'm done messing around. I have feelings & if that's all you can manage is to trounce all over them...you can kiss my a**. I will no longer be extending any friendship to others. You want my friendship you will have to work for it. I'm done giving away bits & pieces of my soul for nothing. I used to be a very loving person but life has changed that drastically. Sometimes the pain that has come with it has been so much I thought I would break for sure. But each time I rise back up off the floor stronger & more determined to get through whatever people want to dish out. So before you decide to mess with me...be forewarned...I am no longer what I was. I am something changed. I am the wounded animal that has healed & no longer moves to the human touch. I will hide myself away to keep myself strong so I can survive. I have a mission in this life. I am a child of God & I have some healing to do so that I can be a warrior for him later. The world has brought me nothing but pain & darkness. I want to move toward the love & the light. I want to return to being that caring person I was but...I don't know how. I am in a place right now that is frightening because I feel like I'm on the line in the sand between the dark & the light. I'm facing the light but the darkness is trying desparately to grab me & drag me into the abyss. I am reaching for God & waiting for rescue. Meanwhile I must do what I have to do to stay alive & stay strong. If that means backing away from humanity & letting go...so be it.

I am so frazzled this evening. After 3 days of fireworks I can no longer stand it. The ones that are the worst are the ones that sound like bombs going off. I don't understand why they can't make them illegal. Rather than making it difficult for people who have to work or have medical conditions. I have anxiety as well as COPD & nothing has happened this weekend that has been good for either of these conditions.

I've been gone from Facebook for a month or more & it doesn't appear that anyone cares. I figured as much. That's why I'm not surprised by it. In my hour of need, my time of trouble, I am always alone. Except for the presence of Christ. He does not tell me what a pain in the ass I am or how frustrated he is with me. He cares about my anxiety. He loves me.

I'm tired of pretending to be ok. I'm not. I've been under a great deal of stress for years now & it's only gotten worse. My anxiety is through the roof. So much noise & craziness here all the time. I'm a nervous wreck. Things at work have been very stressful. We are in the midst of a pandemic that could explode any day now. I hope I'm not one of the casualties when it's over. If I am then so be it. If God decides it's time for me to come home, I will go. I haven't felt like I was part of this world for some time now.

I'm having health problems & struggling with that. I'm going through depression. I sometimes feel as though I'm losing my mind. Like some day I'm gonna crack & have a meltdown & go into a rage that is beyond my imagination. I have accepted the fact that I am on this road alone. God has taken my hand & he is walking with me. All I can do is cry like the wounded child that I am. And yet God is still here. With me. Comforting me when I call.

I'm trying to keep to myself & keep my problems to myself because I've been told no one wants to hear it anymore. The inner pain that I'm going through right now is excruciating. It is so bad that I wonder how I will pull through this when I am so bogged down by sorrow that I feel like I'm drowning in it. Yet if you were to ask me what I needed in order to be happy, I couldn't tell you. I don't know how people can toss the word love around so flippantly. It has no meaning anymore. No place in my life.

I can't do anything right, say anything right or think anything right. Like I'm just some huge cosmic mistake. I can't deal with the way the world is right now or the way the people act that are in it. The only hope I have left lies with God. Everything else is hopeless except the Son of God.

I have neighbors who keep going past my home on 4 wheelers that I can't get the police to do anything about. There is no justice anymore for anything. This angers me, too. This is why I don't own a gun. I would be afraid of using it for the wrong reasons in pursuit of that justice.

I hate people. I'm not supposed to but, I do. I don't know how to not be this way. I have given up.

Sometimes I don't know how to slow the boil in me.


It's over. My anxiety has pretty much settled down as depression has settled in. I've said my goodbyes to those who supposedly cared by responding the way they would have. By saying nothing at all. It really hurts me to know that these people don't really care about me at all. I was just a brief convenience. And now they're done with me. So, I am done with them. I don't think it's right or fair to string people along like that. I should've let go a long time ago already. Not sure why I held on for so long. I guess a part of me was hoping they might miss me. What a joke. I think after 3 yrs+ of basically begging for love and attn I deserve to have my own damned pity party. ~Shrugs~ Whatever. Bother me...don't bother me...don't give a crap anymore. I'm not worth anything to anyone so why should I care? At least I'm not crying as much anymore. I wish my heart were stone so I wouldn't have to feel anything. Whatever. I just don't care anymore. It's changed something inside of me. Something I'm not sure I will ever get back. And that ticks me off. Each time I let someone in, they take a little piece of me with them. If I keep this up there won't be nothing left. I'm putting myself away. Safe and sound. Not coming out no more for no one. If I'm not good enough to keep in touch with then screw them. It's a losing battle that I'm tired of fighting. 

I am saddened by the world around us anymore. It feels like the world we are in will never be the same again. There is so much hate, so much destruction & so much evil. So much pain & unkindness. It's almost unbearable to witness every day.

For as long as I live I'll never understand it. I'll never understand what was so difficult about loving one another as people and being kind to one another. People are horrible. To themselves & to others. I just wish everyone, everywhere could take a collective breath & look around them. Look at all the other people & decide to make a change.

However, this will never happen in a world where people are focused solely on themselves & what they can get from this world. There's too much fighting and not enough effort to understand each other. To be kind to one another. We live in a society that says they care but, they in fact do not. Not unless it serves their purpose.

People have let go of God. They don't believe He exists. They think He's not listening. They think His word is a fairytale. They can believe what they want. I refuse to take my eyes off the Lord. I refuse to listen to others tell me that He doesn't exist because they can't muster the faith to believe. There is going to be a day of reckoning. I want to be among those who get that eternal life Jesus spoke of on the cross.

I don't want to be a part of the crowd of doubters, looters, murderers and self absorbed fools. If that means stowing away in the house by myself for the remainder of my life while my sanity slips off into oblivion then so be it. I am waiting for Him to return and out an end to this horror show we call a life.

~♥Somewhere an angel cries

Somewhere an angel dies.

Spreads her wings and flies

Into the heavenly skies.♥~

As of late I am finding my time online bringing one word to my lips, ridiculous. Not all the places I visit are bad. But, some of them are filled with such stupid people that it just irritates the crap outta me. I'm generally a nice person. I don't enjoy being hateful or mean to anyone. But I swear, these people online will do everything they can to nitpick, belittle and argue every single solitary thing that is posted. It makes me wanna scream. What the hell is wrong with everyone? Why can't anyone just enjoy a conversation without turning it into a friggen battle of the wills? For crying out loud! Just have a nice visit. Don't make a damned federal case outta everything. I can't make one post or have one thread that isn't some yayhoo in there picking away at everything. Even in a thread about kindness for God sake. LET IT GO! Find some other place to spread your negativity instead of in my face. I know there's all kinds of ignore features but, please. Should I really have to ignore other adults because they're aholes? I give up. I'm done. I'm sick and tired of even trying anymore. I can't stand people. I have tried but they drive me ape shit crazy. I don't know if it's just whatever is going on with me or if these people are just genuinely that damned stupid. Or maybe it's both. I don't know. I just know I can't take anymore. All I wanna do is visit and have fun. Can't post or do anything that someone isn't pissing me off. I recently left Facebook because of it. May have to leave the other places too. I don't know yet. I think I'm gonna start a new book and just get lost for a few days. Damn!

As I stand alone in this empty existance, I look to the sky & wonder why. Why I was put here on this earth. What my true purpose has been. It's not like life comes with an instructional manual. You do what you do to get through each day. When I was a little girl, the world held hope & promise for a brighter future. One day I realized that this was it. There was nothing more...of anything. No love...no friends...nothing but pain & lonliness. At once seeing what will never be. As the tear rolls down my cheek, I see that there will be no more hope. No more anything. Just silence. In my home, in my life, & inside of me. A dark room with one lone chair where I can sit & stare into the nothingness. There is no place in this life for a hurting heart. For a broken spirit. For eyes that smile, when behind them is great pain. Pain I am often told I am not priveleged to have. Meanwhile I will adjust to the new normal in my life. Just as I have adjusted to everything over the years. And I will sit here & wait. Wait for it all to be over. For my true time to shine. Wait for him to pick me up off the ground of despair & carry me into the eternal light. Wait to be surrounded by love 24/7. Wait to see the only face that I know will ever truly be happy to see me. Wait for the warmth of the Lord's love to wash over me & heal all the broken places.

Until then...I stand alone.

Sometimes I feel as though my heart is a war torn country.

Ravaged & pilfered of all its valuables.

Except for one small gem discovered by a tiny part of me.

It is locked away in a place deep within.

A place where it can be kept safe from this life.

Safe from all the pain of the world.

A tiny light from within that must stay lit for Him.

No matter how dark the road ahead is.

I am not fine.

Perhaps in time.

For now I am in deep.

There is no light.

There is no escaping the agony.

Teardrops splash upon the surface underneathe me.

In my head I hear the screaming & the crying.

I long to smash and bash things in a full blown rage.

To relieve the anger of the monster in the cage.

There is an answer to this dilemma.

El amor es la clave.

El amor.

As far as men go...this song pretty much says it all. 

I have no use for a man in my life. I've had a few and I'm over it.

Over the pain they cause and the pains that they are.

I have more I want to do with my life than wash their clothes and be their toy. 💋

Today there is just a rage inside of me.

An anger at everything and everyone.

I don't know how to stop it.

I'm mad at the world right now.

I hate everyone right now.

Last time I felt like this was when I was 17.

I don't want to go back to that place but, I fear there is no stopping what has already begun.

It's been coming for a little while now.

I've fought it for months but, I'm exhausted and tired of fighting it.

Tired of being nice.

Tired of keeping my mouth shut.

I want so badly to scream and throw shit in a rage at the whole damned world for everything that's ever happened to me in my entire life.

I've kept it bottled inside me forever and now it's the monster that is banging against the door to get out.

I am concerned about what will go down if that monster is let loose.

She is way more angry and violent than I would ever be.

She makes me worry.

She is what lies inside me.

What has been dormant forever.

She is pissed now and she wants to hurt people.

Including me.

I am afraid.

I am anger.

I am rage.

I decided this evening that unless I NEED to be on Facebook or other than my obligatory posts on Facebook so my parents won't worry...I think I'm done with it. I will play in the Gameroom but, that's all. I can no longer stomach the drama and the fact that everyone I have known or loved aside from my family and even some of them...don't seem to give a shit whether I'm there or not. They don't ever respond to my messages or posts so, I just don't see the need to go back. If they're just gonna ignore me then what difference will it make if I leave. I will be curious to see if anyone even notices. Every day I look to see if anyone cares. I get told communication is a 2 way street. Yes it is. And so far it's only been one way. If you don't care enough to even acknowlede my messages or answer them or anything and I have to do all the reaching out then I'm sorry but I no longer care. I'm done being left here by myself. Left at the curb like garbage. Left with my heart aching, my eyes filled with tears as everything inside me breaks. I have been there for all of you emotionally and then some. And this is the thanks I get. I am just collateral damage. Oh well you probably say. She's making too big of a deal out of it. Yes, yes I am. I don't have many friends in this world. Never have. And if I chose you it was for a reason. But, as usual...nobody gives a rats ass about my feelings. You got whatever you needed from me. Now you're done using me. And I've been shoved aside for more interesting people. I hope they will mean more to you than I ever did. But don't expect to come sniffing around next time you're alone or in need of a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on or someone you can take advantage of to get something you need. This place is out of business. The doors and windows are boarded shut. You fuckers can go find someone else to take advantage of and hurt. I'm done. When it gets to the point where my emotional well being is being fucked with...that's where I draw the line. If you truly gave a shit...you'd contact me.

~Shrugs & walks away~

I'm falling apart inside. I can hear the sirens inside me. Warning me of the darkness to come. I want to crawl back out into the light but, I don't know if I have the strength. I don't know if wanna see the light again. I have become comfortable in the dark. I wear it like a blanket pulled over my head. There's a little girl there, she's crying for help. But no one hears.

I'm so sick of people. Their hatred, their anger, their deceipt, their pettiness, their greed, but most of all...their thoughtlessness. I'm sick of people who get mad at others over petty crap. Sick of people who say hurtful things just because they can. Sick of people who have no conception of the fact that some people are just different and need others to be a little more understanding. Sick of people who think they can do or say whatever they want without any consequences. I hate when people lie to my face like I'm too stupid to know better. I hate when people take advantage of others. I think human decency used to be more prevelant many years ago. But not so anymore. Our contemporary climate is all about electronics and avoidance. Looking out for numero uno. Do unto others that you wouldn't want done unto you. God forbid! Nobody gives a shit about rules, regulations, policies, laws...you know? Crap we're supposed to do. Heaven forbid anyone should be inconvenienced by following a rule or helping someone out. God forbid we should look up from a smart phone and be nice to someone. Whatever... I'm getting smashed tonight and pretending I'm in Paris and I don't give a rats ass what is happening anymore.

hi. my name is mary fuckitup.

if there's a wrong way to think about something then i'm gonna think that way.

if there's a wrong thing to be said then you bet your ass that's the first damned thing outta my mouth.

if there's a wrong way to do something then hell yeah i'm gonna screw that shit up.


because i'm just a big fat fuck up.

i have never been able to have a single thought in my head without someone there to shoot my ideas down.

can't say a word without someone there to argue with me.

can't do a damned thing that there isn't always something wrong with it.



i am so tired of trying to jump through hoops and please everyone else while no one seems to give a shit about my feelings.

well guess the fuck what?

i'm pissed now.

and i'm gonna stay pissed for as long as i want to.

i'm hurt. i'll cry if i damned well want to.


cuz it's my fucking perogative.

i've spent my whole life keeping my mouth shut and letting everyone walk all over me.

well guess what?

walk all ya want.

i don't give a shit anymore.

don't like it? GO TO HELL!


the end

i am in a very dark place right now. i am sad...i am angry. i am not gonna just get over it. that's now how this shit works. i have to work through it. it may take a while. for all i know the sunlight in my soul may be gone. can't say that i blame it. there is no joy anymore. this world just sucks. and i'm stuck here in it. sometimes i wish i'd never been born. other times i don't know what to feel anymore. i feel lost. i feel alone. i feel unwanted. like right now i'm just here to be here. and i don't know how to feel about all this.

I look through the window of my life & wonder how it got this way. I used to always leave the house, talk to people, enjoy the feel of a summer shower on me, the cold snowy air during a walk with the smell of people's chimney's in the air, the cool air and overcast skies and colors of autumn, and the flowers of spring. I do none of this now. Life has changed drastically for me. I'm not sure if it's because of the depression I've had since I was a child and now perhaps it's gotten worse. I don't know. I just know that I have changed a great deal. I no longer have any desire to be among people or out in the weather. I am only comfortable when I am safely locked away in my own little world. I don't know if this is because the pain in my life has become too much for me to bear so I shut myself away to keep myself sane or what. I want nothing more to do with the world and the lies and pain it has to offer. I only long for love and care now. The only place I can get that is in the arms of God. And he is not out there in the world. He is only in this still and quiet place with me. He is the only thing that keeps me from falling apart at the seams. I will never understand why he chose to love me. I am only grateful that he has. He is my only source of joy right now.

Sometimes I don't know why I waste the effort. I try to reach out to people & it's like it's just become a waste of time & energy. It feels like no one cares anymore whether I'm in their lives or not. I wonder why I keep trying to connect with people who don't care enough to connect with me in return. If even at all. I feel very ignored & unwanted & unnecessary. This causes me to wonder why I even bother trying anymore. What's the point of it? I stare at a phone that never rings unless it's my parents or a telemarketer. I send messages online that most of the time get ignored & go unanswered. I never get a piece of mail from anyone except bill collectors & the junk mail. So what would happen if I just let go & stop trying to connect with these people? Would I basically become non-existant? Would they even care? Is that what they are hoping for? That I will just go away? Are they so self absorbed in their own lives or their cell phones that they can't see me standing here. Wondering if they will ever let me in? Yes I'm an introvert. I like to be alone. I struggle with relationships. But if someone is reaching out to you, isn't that your first clue that they want you in their life? I gave up making much of an attempt to contact these people because they basically ignored my efforts. Now I just feel like I'm chasing the wind. And that's something I will never catch. I am on the verge or turning a corner in my life that may not include these people anymore. I may not be where they last left me. I am fading away. Fading into the background. Perhaps our seasons are done & I am meant to move into a different time where I adjust to being with myself. I never get any company, letters, calls, messages. Nothing of any value. Once my family is gone I will have nothing. I will be completely and totally alone. I wonder if anyone will ever want to be a part of my life ever again. I am only worthy when someone is in need. After that need is gone or they get to know me and see that my life is a bit screwed up, they move on. At least they could tell me they're not interested so I could move on. Instead of leaving me here waiting for a friendship that is never going to develop into anything. I'm a human being. I have feelings and needs just like everyone else. I am not just a candy bar wrapper you can toss in the trash when you're done ripping me to shreds inside. Maybe they don't care because they don't see what they're doing to me. Or maybe they just don't care. But someday when they decide they love me, it will be too late. A person can only take just so much before they give up and walk away. I am nearing the point of walking away. It's not worth the pain it's causing me to continue making the effort for something that will never be. The wind can just blow on by. I'm done chasing it. It may take my heart with it but, I am too tired & too disappointed to chase after it anymore. It can just have it. I am done. Done chasing, done hurting, done caring. I no longer want to feel the tears on my face because my heart is so broken. I just want to lean into the loving arms of God and allow him to heal my wounded heart. To dry my tears & help me to move on.


I sit here...alone...

My heart has darkened over the years. There is little left for me to feel anymore. Mostly I feel sorrow & anger. There is very little joy left inside of me. I seem to be having trouble reaching it. I think sometimes it is because I just feel like no one cares anymore. Like there is really no more reason to smile, to try. I long to be able to feel the love of others but all I feel is nothing. Nothing comes from the energies of the other people. Nothing. It's like listening to a radio with no sound. You want desparately to hear the music and you get nothing. I pick up on no signals or vibes or feelings that emit any kind of care or affection for me. I used to be able to feel those things. But now there is nothing but radio silence. I never asked to be born screwed up but, this is the hand I was dealt. This is the game I've been forced to play my entire life. Whether I wanted to or not. Every day for my entire life I've had to get out of bed and be something. Be a kid, be a student, be a wife, be a worker. All the while I've had to do it with Tourette Syndrome & a fucking smile on my face when all I wanted to do was flip off the world. I've grown so tired of this life that even though I'm afraid of dying, I sometimes wonder if it would be better than this thing people call living.

People don't understand that for me, living is riddled with anxiety and emotional issues. Damage from a lifetime of verbal abuse & mocking. I entered adulthood and I wasn't ever able to get comfortable around people so I ended up becoming a recluse. I'm now an introverted recluse by choice. The reason being is because every time...every...single...mother...fucking...time...I let my guard down & let someone in...they hurt me. EVERY DAMNED TIME!!! It is so incredibly painful that I would rather find other ways to dull my senses so I no longer have to feel this shit. I don't want anymore relationships because they are just too damned painful to deal with. They are a disappointing waste of time. If I'm gonna waste my time, I might as well do it playing video games or doing something I enjoy. Hell at this point, laying in the middle of the fucking street would be more entertaining.

Now it's even worse with this virus. It's really driving home the fact that I am truly alone except for my family. Otherwise one would think that others in my life would wanna communicate with me which they apparently don't. So if they don't give a shit, I don't give a shit. Let's all just not give a shit anymore about anyone or anything that doesn't revolve around us. Because that will make this world such a delight won't it? Even the people who are supposedly good people don't seem to care about anything that doesn't involve them and their lives. So, I have decided the hell with it. If I'm gonna just be a hollow rock on the shelf of their collections, I'm gonna kick back and say the hell with it and just live my life and ignore their asses and see how they like it. See how they like being treated like they don't fucking exist. EVER! Because I'm just trash. I'm a throw away. Always have been. Always will be. I am never going to be a treasure to anyone here in this world. Ever. I'm just gonna clamp my mouth shut & live my lonely ass life & to hell with everything. After all...who gives a shit really? No one is paying one damned bit of attention to me. It's like I'm invisible. It's to the point where I'd rather read a book than be forced to talk to anyone anymore. It's all just nonsense. Small talk that doesn't amount to shit. And if we do get into any kind of decent discussion, my thoughts and ideas on things don't mean shit. They're always wrong and I should just shut up.

So as you can see...yes...I'm a fucked up mess. And life has pretty much made me this way. I can only hope at this point that God will do what he promises in the bible to never forsake me. Because I'm pretty sure that would just end me. I have had all I can handle anymore.


Roses are red,

violets are blue,

I no longer need you. ~Anonymous

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

~Mary Oliver

Sometimes I want to withdraw from the world completely. Other times I want to throw open my arms and love its residents with abandon. But I know this is foolish. The world is filled with too much darkness & hate. I will only be filled with pain. So I tuck myself away. Letting no one in. Seems to be the only logical thing to do. I have been through enough. I feel as though the things my mind & my heart have been through, are damaging my very soul. I have to protect what is left before I lose it altogether. I can't bear to slip into the deep. And lose what is left of me. I am treading water. Waiting for a divine rescue. I know it's coming. I am ready. I am waiting. I am here.

I often feel as though I'm on the outside looking in at my very own life. I place my hand on the glass & speak her name to let her know I am out here. Lost. I need her to come get me but, she can't. She doesn't exist. The only one that exists is me. I am forever trapped outside. Forever watching but unable to participate. What is common for most is foreign for me. Always has been. Always will be. I don't know how. I don't understand. I'm in my own little world. It is quiet. It is safe. It is free of most agonies. It is peaceful here. I can't bring myself to break the glass wall, To step into the life I've always wanted. To be the one I've always wanted to be.

I didn't ask to be brought into this world.

There have been times I have wanted out.

So much so that my mind has made me do unspeakable things in an effort to put everything on mute.

But I was not granted that wish.

I was given strength.

Strength to fight.

  Strength to endure.

I am not stupid. I see. I hear. I feel. They simply don't understand. I know. I know more than they think. Go ahead & lie to me. Go ahead & pretend. Wear two faces. I see through your facades. I know what you really are inside. I feel the darkness & deception. You may continue to convince yourself of my naivete. But, I assure you, I know my enemies. I do not understand why they are what they are. I only know that they are. I have been gifted with an insight to warn me. A gift of awareness. Even when you try to hide it. I still know. I can sense it. This is often why I choose to be alone. At least I can trust myself. No matter what state my mind may be in. It's still better than keeping company with your cunning. A rich man may think he is rich but, the poor man knows better. A lifetime of poverty has shown me this. Do what you will. I will always go my way.

In the Darkness


In the heart of the night

As I turn out the light

I suffer in silence In a world without sight

Where only my mind can take flight

Somewhere there is a light

Buried deep within the night

Tears rock me to sleep

As visions of you come to my minds sight

In hopes that someday my life will once again be bright.

Author: MFP

Copyright 1998 From: Captured Moments International Library of Poetry

Road of Life

A smile curls at the corner of her vintage lips. A cigarette cradled in her fingertips. Her soft blue eyes tell a stormy tale. As they hide behind a bitter veil. Her body tired and growing frail. Underneath her silky skin so pale. Time has begun to take its toll. On her heart as well as her soul. Each year passes in the same boring fashion. As her spirit travels the trail of passion. Her mind making its daily journey to the past. Oblivious to the future that is so vast. Someday all her things will have a place. Be unpacked and nestled in their own space. She will have a home to call her own. And all the love she deserves to be shown. Tucked gently in the arms of love. With the heart of another that fits hers like a glove.

Author: MFP

Copyright 2000

From: America At The Millennium International Library of Poetry

I know there will come a day when this life will pass.

The day I get to finally see Him.

A day of great joy.

I have been waiting my whole life.

To be able to look upon His face & smile.

To be held in the safety of His embrace.

To be called His beloved.

To spend all of eternity being loved.

Being surrounded by unspeakable joy & beauty.

I know it is what waits for me there.

I look forward to being in His presense & seeing what He has next for me.

Until then, I will follow where He leads me.

I will do my best to be a good embassador.

I will treasure the lovely things along the way.

The beauty of nature.

The sound of a friends laughter.

The love of family.

I will wait for Him...

Psalm 62:5 NLT

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.

I think my heart needs this verse right now. It is difficult to wait quietly in the face of fear. God knew that & He sent the holy spirit to comfort us.

“When we have gone into the furnace of affliction, His hand is on the thermostat and His eye is on the clock.” ~Anonymous

God allows hardship, and as a result, we become stronger believers, wiser servants, and more humble people. But He stays by our side through the entire experience, sustaining us and limiting the intensity and duration of our distress. The Spirit’s reassuring whisper to our heart gives more comfort than the solace of family or the encouragement of friends. (Dr. Charles Stanley)

As we walk through this period in time & try to cope with the horror of it all, this verse can offer great comfort. This is a difficult time for all of us. Some of us handle things better than others. Right now, we need to be loving & supportive of each other. We need to encourage one another. We need to focus on keeping busy so as not to upset ourselves with all the unfolding events. We need to rely on God. He is our maker & our keeper. He is in control & no matter how scared we may be, there isn't a thing we can do ourselves to stop or control this situation. All we can do is just pray & fight to get through it. It is hard to put your trust in God when you are terrified. I understand that. But, I also believe that this is how He works to show people that they need Him. There is no life without Him. He is trying to draw you near & ask you to be part of His family. Are you going to listen? Are you going to continue to turn away and say no? How far do you think that will get you? I keep being told that the bible is just a fairy tale. I don't agree. But, do you really want to take the chance of being wrong end & up being separated from God for all eternity? Or will you use this virus as a chance to reach out to the Savior who only wants to love you & keep you? 

Today I pray that in the face of this horrible & fearful time that God will give me the strength to wait quietly before Him and hope.

I was told today by someone that they didn't understand my writings. I was gonna quit but, I refuse to. I may not make sense to a normal person but, I'm not normal. So, I decided to carry on. This is one of the few things that's helping to keep my fears at bay. Plus, if it's art it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me. And maybe not even me.

Wallace Lee, former author of Rambo: Year One said, "artists CREATE things. This means that the reciever has the full right of… fully misunderstanding them. You don’t give a present to your son saying ‘I’m giving this to you provided that you think this and that about it’, isn’t it? An artist is responsible for what he / she creates, not for the way people is going to interpret them."

Stephen King stated: Write primarily for yourself. You should write because it brings you happiness and fulfillment. As King says, "I did it for the pure joy of the thing. And if you can do it for joy, you can do it forever."

Writer Kurt Vonnegut provides a similar insight: "Find a subject you care about and which you in your heart feel others should care about," he says. "It is this genuine caring, not your games with language, which will be the most compelling and seductive element in your style." So, onto the next project...


Psalm 23 New Living Translation (NLT) A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.


Every day when I go out into the world, I imagine God looking like this as He walks beside me & watches over me. I adore knowing that God has a certain fierceness to Him when He is in a fit of righteous anger. It's that anger that I hope for as we all leave our homes to perform our "essentials" now. That is what I want following me to work & keeping me safe. He is capable with His glorious hand to wipe this virus out. Until then, all we can do, is rest in Him. The only way I can rest is through prayer & keeping my mind occupied. Stay safe out there!

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~Anonymous

~*Fair Weather Friends*~ 

They love you when they need you or when it is convenient for them but often not because they want to, you are not their problem.

Sometimes I grow tired waiting for their attention, accepting their inconsideration, only to be ignored like a figment of their imagination.

I often ask myself why I'm even here, why I put myself on their shelf, simply to sit there by myself when they clearly don't want me near.

Everything must come to an end my fair weather friend.

My mistake to make giving you my heart to break.

It's too late to make amends when you are fair weather friends.


}¡{ invisible }¡{

i feel invisible when you refuse to see me.

i feel invisible when i can not be heard.

when i know you see me, when i know you heard me there. do you even care? do i belong anywhere?

i feel invisible when you look past me.

i feel invisible when you act like i don't exist.

why do you treat me this way? you make me feel like a throwaway. like something you never wanted anyway.

i feel invisible when you don't include me.

i feel invisible when you make me feel like i'm not your cup of tea.


then invisible i shall be. -anonymous

She Doesn't Live Here Anymore


She doesn't live here anymore. She is just a shell of what once was. A soul alive with hope. One that doesn't matter now. A yesterday that no one wants to remember. She is left to fade into nothingness.

She slowly dies inside...


No one sees her suffering. No one cares. She is alone in this fight. A battle for her very life. Every day she swings the blade. Every night she cries her tears.

She slowly dies inside...


It is cold and dark here. She is all alone. Left to disintegrate into dust. Left to be blown away by time. Never to be again the woman from within.


She is gone. -Anonymous

What is friendship to you? I think we all have different ideas about friendship and what it entails. Some of us may require less to keep one alive whereas others need more. I fall into the latter category.

Let's look at the definition of friendship... n.

1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship. 2. a friendly relation or intimacy. 3. friendly feeling or disposition.

"Friendship … should, like a well-stocked cellar, be … continually renewed." —Samuel Johnson

This statement made by Samuel Johnson is how I look at my relationships with people. It starts out all grandios and then it tapers off. Kind of like love only different. Usually love simmers but is still warm, still there. Friendship however, if it simmers too long, the kettle gets too cold and then it isn't worth much. It basically dies after that. If you don't practice upkeep on relationships like you would love, a garden, whatever, eventually, it withers away and dies. For some people though, just calling each other "friend" seems to be enough. Haven't spoken in months...no biggie...haven't done anything together...no problem. I'm happy they can live like that. But some of us need more. And when we don't get what we need, it then becomes a matter of ascertaining whether or not the relationship is viable enough to keep hold of.

We are all busy living our lives, working, raising kids, having relationships with other people...the list goes on. But if you don't take half a second to say hello or how ya doin, the next time you find that person, they may not be there anymore. They may have decided it was wiser to let go than to chase someone down to catch their affections. After a lifetime of lonliness, and running after the affections of others, I have decided it is no longer in my best interest to chase after it anymore. My life is what it is. If someone truly wanted to be a part of it, they would make the calls, send the messages, take the time to ask, how ya doin? But, when you are living your life and basically non-existant to your "friends", well, there just isn't much else to say...

As we head toward the last of days, I feel it is necessary to help people find their way to God. I am saved. Have been for several years now. Best decision I ever made. One night I was watching Pastor David Jeremiah & as the sermon went on, I found myself thinking about where I was in life. What it amounted to. Squat. That's what. I knew there had to be more. Suddenly I realized that Pastor Jeremiah was at the end of his sermon & was inviting people to get saved. I decided then & there that something had to change in my life. So, I recited the prayer & got saved that night. At that moment I recall some people saying the change was immediate but, I didn't feel any different. I wondered if it had worked. I went to bed & when I woke up in the morning, it was as if I was someone else & looking through someone else's eyes. Everything looked different & felt different. I knew at that moment that I was not the same. As the world changes around us & given recent events, I am inviting you to become one of God's children. You never know when it might be too late. Why take the chance of being separated from God for all eternity. He doesn't care what you've done, or what you've thought or said. He loves you. He wants you. Just say yes...

Thanks for stopping by...